


Unsent

by LostMyHeartToHim



Series: Grindeldore one-shots [8]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Letters, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 07:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17556005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyHeartToHim/pseuds/LostMyHeartToHim
Summary: 31 letters from Albus Dumbledore to Gellert Grindelwald, never sent, never opened





	Unsent

**Author's Note:**

> These letters are based on poems I wrote last year. The poems themselves were based on Inktober prompts. The prompt list can be found [here](https://inktober.com/rules/) if you are interested

1.

Gellert,

How could you? How could you run? ~~How could you leave me?~~

I am left alone with a brother who hates me and sister who is dead because of ~~me~~ you. The last two months were the happiest of my life, and now it all lies in ruin.

I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never listened to a single word that came out of your poisonous tongue. You poisoned me. You infected me. My sister is dead, ~~and all I can think of is you.~~

I once thought the pain you caused in my heart was merely my heart bursting with the intensity of my love for you, but now I know it was your lies that wove around it like vines and strangled it slowly, so slowly I did not even notice before it was too late.

You cannot begin to imagine the size of my contempt for you. I never want to see you again.

~~_I hate you I hate you I hate you._ ~~

 

2.

Gellert,

  
Do you remember that day in your Aunt's garden? It was right after we met. We were laying on the grass, pointing out shapes in the clouds. A simple activity for people our age and intelligent perhaps, but at the moment it was all I ever wanted to do. It had been a long time since I had felt such pure, childlike pleasure.

You were lying right next to me, our hands almost touching. Your face was tranquil, alight with the light filtering through the foliage, and you looked like something out of a story — some otherworldly, beautiful thing. I could hardly breathe from the awe of you. It was then I think that I started to fall.

And fall I did. ~~Really, I more stumbled right ahead without looking, as Gryffindors have often been accused of doing.~~

Sometimes your hand would move against mine, and I would wonder if it was on purpose. Did you already desire to do what I did? Did you too wish to take my hand in yours and feel my skin against your skin? I never asked. And now I never will.

Albus

 

3. 

Gellert,

Do you remember how I told you the story of Dumbledores and Phoenixes? I cannot help but wonder where my Phoenix is. For I need one desperately.

It feels like I'm burning from inside out. Perhaps one day, I too, I will burst into flames and be reborn, having cast away my old life and all the pain that accompanies it.

It hurts so much sometimes I want to tear off my skin strip by strip. And after tearing of my flesh, I would reach inside my chest and pull out my heart too. That foolish, foolish thing. It has never brought me anything but pain and regret.

You being the greatest regret of them all.

Albus

 

4. 

 ~~Gellert,~~  
~~I cannot live like this any longer. I need to know which one of us it was. You know, do you not? Please, I am begging you, please tell me it was not me.~~

~~Albus~~

 

5.

Gellert,  
The Gryffindor House is supposed to be the house of the brave. I have never felt less like a Gryffindor in my life.

Every day I see some new atrocity you have committed in the newspapers, but I still cannot make myself face you. I hide behind my duties like a coward that I am.

Do not mistake me; I do not fear what you would do, but rather what I would. Even after all these years, my heart is weak and foolish, and I'm afraid that if you asked I would come with you.

Tell me, Gellert, what does that make me?

Albus

 

6. 

Gellert,

I do not know if you remember this, but one time when we were drafting our plans on my bed, you fell asleep in the middle of it.

You laid your head on my shoulder and just nodded off right there. I did not dare to wake you as you looked so peaceful, and dare I say it, charming.

(Even if it meant sacrificing my shirt since you drool in your sleep.)

Yes, you do. Do not try and deny it. I have more than enough memories as proof.

Albus

 

7. 

Gellert,

I am exhausted, for every time I go to sleep I dream of you.

Either I will dream of our happier times, and I feel wracked by guilt afterwards, or I dream of things you have done. Things you continue to do. I cannot name them, even in my own mind, as it makes me feel ill to think of them.

To think that I once contemplated joining you. I sometimes feel as if those two months were just a dream. A sick, twisted dream that you will only find was a nightmare as you startle awake.

But it wasn't.

I cannot lie to myself. There was a time I wanted almost the same things you did. Hell, I coveted them. But most of all, I craved you.

I wish I had never met you. Maybe then I would be able to find peace.

Albus

 

8.

Gellert,  
Sometimes it hurt me to look at you.

Your hair was so gleaming and your skin so fair that you seemed like one of those angels Muggles so admire. Your eyes, although strange to some, were bright and intelligent. They shone with the light of thousand stars. When I looked into them, I swear I could see the universe.

I just wish I had seen what your beauty was hiding. Like God, I was blinded by your grace and my love for you, so I never saw how treacherous you indeed were.

So yes, Gellert, you were an angel, but so was Lucifer.

Albus

 

9. 

Gellert,

I say I wish I had never met you, but that is a lie.

That feeling you inspired in me, despite all the pain it has brought me, is precious to me. Your laughter, your smile, the way it felt to be surrounded be your warmth. I have never felt anything like it.

And I never will again.

I will carry that memory of us with me forever. I just wish that I knew for sure if you ever treasured it at all.

Albus

 

10. 

Gellert,

Do you remember how it felt to have our magic flowing freely between us?

It was intoxicating. I could feel everything so keenly. The pressure of your hands, your lips. For the whole day afterwards, I felt like I was floating.

~~I would give anything just to feel it again.~~

Albus

 

11.

Gellert,

Today I looked into the Mirror for the first time in years.

I would dearly like to meet whoever made it, for they must have been the cruellest person ever to live. To dangle one's deepest, darkest desires in front of them, without granting you the ability to touch or to feel- But I digress.

The image hasn't changed. It is you as you were then and, more wretchedly, as you are now.

Truth is a terrible, terrible thing.

But I already knew what a weak fool I am.

Albus

 

12.

Gellert,

Have you ever read that book by the Muggle author, Herman Melville? The one where the captain obsessively seeks foolish revenge on a whale. It somewhat reminds me of your mission. For it is also both irrational and idiotic.

Seeking retribution has never solved anything and it never will. Of course, revenge is not all you want. You also wish for power. Power over anything and everyone, so no one will ever dare to hurt you again. You are like a child lashing out at the world.

And those visions of yours. You are exactly like Ahab, taking advantage of your followers' superstitions with all your talk of fate and destiny. Future is not carved on stone as you very well should know. You have Seen it change too many times to believe that.

Follow your visions if you must, I hope they lead you straight to damnation.

Albus

 

13. 

Gellert,

My life has always been shrouded in secrecy and lies. My mother had instilled in me a deep distrust of other people outside of our family. It was necessary to keep Ariana safe. It is one of the reasons I never had many close friends.

But now, in the life after you, I have even fewer. After your betrayal, I feel like I can no longer trust my judgement. What if I let a new person in my life and they let me down as heinously as you did? I feel like that would break me.

Albus

 

14. 

Gellert,

Has it really been thirty years since I met you? From the keenness of my pain, you would think it was only yesterday that you walked away from my life. Every second since has felt like forever and nothing at the same time. And the clock keeps ticking ever forward.

Sometimes I am able to forget you for days, but then something small will remind me of you. A blonde head of hair, the smell of ink, the laughter of my students, the warmth of the summer. There is almost nothing that has not at some point reminded me of you. Thirty years, and still my thoughts are full of you.

Albus

 

15.

 ~~Gellert,~~  
~~I miss you~~  
~~Albus~~

 

16. 

Gellert,

Your face was made of such sharp corners it's a wonder I never cut myself. Sometimes I trace your features on the edges of my parchment. I can never quite get the shape right. I wonder if the angles of your face are still the same as in my memories.

Albus

 

17. 

Gellert,

I swear I did not use to be a crier. I was a quiet, observant child. I cried only rarely. I did not shed a tear when my father went to prison. I did not weep when my mother died. I did not cry when Ariana was buried. But you have made me shed more tears than I ever thought possible.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning in them.

Albus

 

18.

Gellert,

On the weeks I feel particularly weak, I take out the memories of the two of us and go through them one by one. There are over hundred bottles in total. If someone ever found them, I would be convicted to Azkaban five times over. I wish I had the fortitude to smash them all into the ground.

Albus

 

19.

Gellert,

At times I get the urge to seek you out to try and convince you to come with me. We could go away together, somewhere far away, where no one could ever find us. We could spend the rest of our days together, just the two of us, in our own little world. We could immerse ourselves in each other and never need for anything else.

But it could never be.

It is just a naive dream of a foolish man. I know that all bridges between us burned down long ago.

Albus

 

20.

Gellert,  
You broke many things in me. My trust is the least of them.  
Albus

  
21.

Gellert,

Have you any idea of the extent of the damage you wrought on me? The wounds are so deep and wide that even I do not know where they end. How am I supposed to heal from this? How am I ever to drain your poison from my body? How am I to do that when I have come to find comfort on the pain?

~~What have you done to me?~~

Albus

 

22.

Gellert,

Have you any idea of the cost of your actions? How many families have you destroyed? How many lives? Do you still think what you are doing is for the Greater Good? How can you justify so much pain and destruction?

Of course, part of the blame lays on me. I encouraged your dreams; I contributed to many of your plans and speeches. I am well aware that the blood on your hands also stains mine. And I am paying for it every day, looking into the faces of ~~your~~ \- our victims. It is not a debt that can ever be repaid. I do not even dare to think of the cost it has taken on our souls.

Albus

 

23.

Gellert,

I hate you. I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone. But I also love you. I love you so much that it hurts to think of it. I never want to look upon you again, but I every time I wake I wish I would see you lying next to me. I want to stop you, but I never want to fight you.

How I wish I could go back to that summer when everything felt so simple.

Albus

 

24.

Gellert,

I feel like I'm being pulled apart. I'm constantly torn between what I know to be right and what my feelings tell me. My heart is already so damaged that I fear what further harm to it would do to me. Please, Gellert, I do not wish to fight you. I would rather chop off my own arm. But if you do not stop, it is what I must do.

Albus

 

25.

Gellert,  
I always knew you had a temper, but trying to burn down Paris is a bit too much. Do try to contain your jealousy for a moment, would you?  
Albus

 

26. 

Gellert,

Every day the distance between us grows. I am no longer certain if I ever knew you. Were you always this man I see in the newspapers? Where did the boy who laughed at my horrible jokes go? Where is the boy who kissed me so gently? Where is the boy who braided Ariana's hair for her? Where is the boy who cuddled me in my sleep and drooled on my pillows? Did he ever exist? Or was he yet another one of your lies?

Albus

 

27.

Gellert,

I used to imagine that I could see the magic crackling beneath your skin. You were so powerful your body could almost not contain it. I thought it was like lightning living inside of you; beautiful, quick and capable of immense destruction. I did not want to dwell on the destruction back then. But I should have. Even though there was no sound of thunder to remind me.

Albus

 

28. 

Gellert,  
You must believe that I am thankful for you. You remind me every day of what I should not be, and why power is not something I should ever reach for. Thank you. I fear what I would have become without you.  
Albus

 

29. 

Gellert,  
Sometimes I feel as if I am two people instead of one.

There is the genial professor, who loves his job and his students. Who is always cheerful and always willing to lend a hand. Eccentric but wise. He is never angry or sad. Reliable and has a heart of gold. He would never use someone or manipulate them for his own ends. Harmless, if not a tad barmy.

Then there is me. The one who is in love with you still, even after all you have done. The one who let down his family in his mad search for power. The one who killed his sister. The one who is arrogant and selfish, weak and foolish. Who is sad and angry and resentful. Who sometimes wishes he could kill you for the pain you have caused him. But most of all, the one who is ashamed, burdened by his guilt. 

Albus

 

30. 

Gellert,

I remember when I met you for the first time. You would not remember it since I do not think that you ever even knew that I was there.

I was walking through Godric's Hollow after yet another argument with Aberforth. I was frustrated and wanted to calm down before I went back to the house. I was hiking through woods beyond the fields when I saw you. A boy, perhaps a year younger than I, standing on a clearing, your hand outstretched. A jolt went through me, and I stopped on my tracks, for you were the most beautiful being I had ever seen.

But that is not all that held me. You were, I believe, practising dark magic. The air crackled with your power and the smell of ozone surrounded the woods around us. I had never seen anything of the like. For not only were you doing immensely powerful magic, but you were also doing it without the aid of a wand. 

I am ashamed to admit that I stood there for a long time, just watching you, without announcing myself. Afterwards, I thought that perhaps you were some sort of fae. So inhumanly beautiful you seemed.

A few days later, your Aunt introduced you to me. I had never felt so ecstatic.

Albus

 

31.

Gellert,

Please believe that I never wanted this. Never in my life have I wished to raise a hand against you. But someone had to stop you, and it could have never been anyone other than me. For I was part of the reason you ever got so far, and it was my responsibility to stop you.

I regret it. I do. I feel like I've been sliced in half anew. I will live my life knowing that my other half is locked away, far away from me. I will never meet anyone who understands my mind as well as you did, of that I am certain. I do not know if you ever felt any sort of affection for me, but perhaps it would comfort you to know that my heart will always remain yours. That way, at least, you know that I am suffering as well.

I hope that someday, you will understand why I had to do it. I will make sure you are taken care of so you will have plenty of time to reflect on your actions. If it comforts you any, know that I am as trapped in this tower as you are in yours. It might be a self-imposed prison, but it is a prison still.

My dearest wish is that you will one day see the error of your ways, and know that what I did, I did for the Greater Good.

Goodbye.

Always yours,  
Albus Dumbledore

 

**Author's Note:**

> Edit 27/01: edited a few letters because I wasn't entirely happy with them, mostly number 29
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment if you liked it! <3
> 
> My Tumblr: [bloodtroth](https://bloodtroth.tumblr.com/)


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